Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
