i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
