I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
high people should be assigned attendants
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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