Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
