The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
