I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
