i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
