He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
