I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
