pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
