I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
