What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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