hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
