dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
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Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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