Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
