My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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