I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
