Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
whose parrot is this?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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