I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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