I'm so fucking centered right now
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
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I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
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Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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