Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
