chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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