Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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