We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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