WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
