I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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