hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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