wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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