I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize