The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
