my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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