I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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