I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
