Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
