Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
