If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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