that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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