is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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