I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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