I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store