Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i dont even know how to be here
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
