also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
