You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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