girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
