So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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