hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
