Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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