We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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