When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
