WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
