At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
