his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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