I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
