I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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