Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
