so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
