Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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