I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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