it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
