just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
