i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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