Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
