just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
