there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
