Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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